Diary Entry 19 - All The Feels

 

Diary Entry 19 - All The Feels

I felt this heavy weight of discouragement this Sunday afternoon and it was almost crippling. It was the type of feeling you get when you want to give up and walk away from everything. It was a very depressing and soul crushing feeling. And I knew one thing for certain, this feeling wasn’t coming from me.

I drew a tarot reading on it just to be sure. This depressing feeling was coming from none other than Deacon. And that kind of surprised me. This guy is strong and happy and has it all together. Why would he be depressed? If he ever does read this story I want him to know something. If this idea rings true that Marcus and Deacon are really the same person, I would be honored to have him in my family and call him brother. In fact, I am not sure I could have concocted a better brother to have. It would be a blessing to me and my entire family. Of that much I am certain.

I am reminded of a post I saw on Facebook recently that depicted three popular actors, strong men who had it all together, and how none of them are with us any longer. They had this silent struggle within that brought them to their knees and eventually killed them all. No one knew what was going on inside them because they put a brave and happy face on for the world everyday while the turmoil inside bubbled to bursting.

One Source says via Mr. Pendulum that Deacon fights demons every day. He says Deacon is used to fighting. Really? That doesn’t seem like the best way to live. No wonder he lives his life to the fullest on the outside. Living life in striving mode can not be a fun way to live life. Fighting like this must be debilitating after a while. I am praying for him because it seems like the right thing to do when you have no control over a situation. That feeling of discouragement and dread wafting off of him hit me all the way across town. I guess my powers are ramping up some. I get the weird powers, detecting the awful feelings powers. 

I think this must be why I am getting these random pendulum messages from Satan. Yes, Vesta’s henchman. It’s like he is delivering breaking news and taking over the conversation like an annoying little twit. I am usually talking to One Source when this happens. He will spew things like, “Jax is not your twin flame, Hades/Satan is.” Ewe, yuck! That is never gonna happen, dude. Jax may not want me but at least I have comfort in knowing I have denied you, Just gross. This is when I put my psychic shields up again and get back to work.

Speaking of random transmissions, I had a dream about Jax the other night. This is the first time I have seen him in a dream in the now moment. I have had a couple of dreams where he looked like he did in the past. We were in a car and he was driving. I was looking at him through a very large rear view mirror so it was easy to see his face. His hair wasn’t as vibrant in color as it once had been and he needed a haircut. He told me he loved me, much in the same way he would have in the past. 

Since I was seeing this through a rear view mirror, I think this was me acknowledging that Jax did love me in the past. I felt like I was putting words into his mouth, since this was a reflection of the past and not now. I was hoping, I guess, that there would be feelings like this expressed to me. I did not tell him I loved him back because during the dream it felt like the current timeline and not the reflection I realize it was now.

I am not ready to say those three words to him yet. We would need to get to know each other again and see if we could even like the current versions of ourselves. I do love him, a part of me always will, but until we reconnect, saying those words wouldn't mean much.

I have been getting a bit about Jax’s “Family” connections. I don’t know if their last name is Gates or the foundation is called The Gates but the name Gates is in the title. Makes me think of pearly gates, like the type you hear about in Heaven. Wonder if there is a connection. I constantly get that there is a “group” that both Jax and Deacon are involved with that has something to do with saving the children of the world from the abuse that has been going on for so long on this planet. Mr. Pendulum has deemed it Truth, Inc. I am not a fan of the name but what can you do? I am just writing this as things come up and suddenly that is in my face.

Oh, and speaking of faces. I fell flat on my face on Saturday morning. It was as if me and the driveway had a boxing match and the driveway won. I look pretty impressive right now. As if I survived a real death match. I even had the whole spitting blood into the sink experience like a real boxer. My hand is sore and my muscles ache plus my lip looks like I had lip injections gone wrong. I guess it is what it is. I walked out of my slip on shoe and it tripped me. Maybe if I hadn't been holding a broom at the time I would have come out unscathed. I got a lot of funny looks at church on Sunday. Most of the women wanted to talk to me but the guys avoided me like the plague. 

I actually wondered if Deacon was avoiding me for a different reason entirely. I mean, if he is reading this he might be seething at this point. My dad would call that feeling “wanting to knock me into next week.” I kind of understand the concept. Like I said previously, it is a talent I have. People avoiding me is a whole thing in my life. Ask Jax, it works for him.

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Author’s note:

FYI, if anyone is interested in brainstorming with me about all these Greek and Roman gods and goddesses, I would like someone to bounce ideas off of. Send me an email at tonispywriter@gmail.com